vampireapologist:

vampireapologist:

my new roommate’s best friend literally says “we’ll just go out for one drink” on a weeknight, goes to a club, has ONE drink while everyone else is getting to it, and then tells everyone when it’s time to go home so they can actually make it to class in the morning and I’m genuinely terrified by the amount of self control she has

saying you’ll just have one drink at the club on a school night and then following through and getting up for class the next day demonstrates the exact level of resolve it took to amputate your own arm on an 18th century battlefield

kwikemart:

“hey wanna come over and get drunk or someth-”

me:

dongboss:

me: i’d like some fries please

five guys burgers and fries ™ employee: what size ?

me: regular please

five guys burgers and fries ™ employee, pouring two pounds of fries into a cup that fits like 20 fries at most and not breaking eye contact with me as it’s pouring over into the rest of my bag: is this enough fries ?? is this enough fucking fries ???

me, through tears and sobbing: y - yes

five guys burgers and fries employee, shoving fries into my stupid mouth: that’ll be $2.39

me, choking: hhhdbhh huh hhhhshhhhhs